I’ve been coaching and being coached on wealth lately. I’m thinking about the Law of Attraction (you know, the ‘Secret’). The most eloquent statement of the Law of Attraction I’ve ever seen is Indira Ghandi’s “Be the change you want to see.” Jack Canfield says it is enough to decide to be rich, and then spend a little time each morning and each evening feeling as “rich” would feel for you.
Law of Attraction is: what you are is what you attract. Fear begets fear, wealth begets wealth. People who love themselves are loved by others. People who are overwhelmed and need help don’t get it. People who are “needs-met” get even more help and their stars rise. People with good credit get more credit offers. When you’re down on your luck, and in debt and need credit, the offers dry up.
So who doesn’t want to be rich? If wanting it could make it so, why aren’t we all? Wanting it and being it/feeling it (with or without the money) are two different things. If you “want” it constantly, all your energy and all your time goes to “wanting” and you will be left “wanting.” If you are rich in your habits, ways, expectations, you will be - in your eyes, in everyone else’s and money will flow to you. Remember Jack Canfield’s advice to spend a moment each day “feeling” rich.
I began this blog because there was a quaint phrase I came across in a Fannie Flagg book: “Over the Rainbow” (love Fannie Flagg). One of her characters - Mrs. Vita Green - was introduced as having grown up in “lace curtain poverty.” That phrase implies so much - not real poverty, but poverty in the middle class. Hidden poverty, shameful poverty. This sense of shame and dependence had driven the character to become rich and independent. She showed an early and unusual ambition for a beautiful young woman who could have married well. (This was the early ’60’s in Kansas City, MO)
In this recession, so many of us fear “Lace-curtain poverty” and not just the poverty, but the guilt, the shame and fear of trying to sustain a middle class house and lifestyle for ourselves, our kids etc. It’s what I hear over and over again.
- “I’m afraid I’m going to lose my job.”
- “I’m afraid my husband will lose his job and I’ll have to work.”
- “I’m afraid I’ll have to go back to work.”
- “I’m afraid I’ll lose the house.”
Lace-curtain poverty is very old fashioned and you’d think we might have overcome the stigma of needing money and the shame of failure and fear of failure. But here we are half a century later, and fully liberated women with careers and/or professional degrees, background, skills and we are still haunted by the specter of lace curtain poverty. The prosect of actually failing or being percieved as a failure. If it were real poverty we feared, it would be a simple solution.
- Bring your living expenses to within 90% of your income and live on that until you have more income. Save the extra 10% for retirement and emergencies.
We don’t want to live on our incomes. We want to live as we are accustomed to living. We want expensive, exquisite French lace curtains. But as long as you hide behind them, you’ll never manageto be lace-curtain wealthy!Coaching yourself through the fear, guilt, overwhelm or even inexplicable procrastination (or seeking the help of a certified life coach) will open your eyes to what you actually want and how to get that. I have lace curtains in my house. Sometimes I concern myself with whether people can see in. They can. Lace curtain poverty is self-perpetuating, because even if you feel like you’re “keeping up appearances” people can see your strife, your lack of positivity, your fear, your guilty conscience. If people can see in, it can freak you out! It can drive some people away and limit your offers of help. But lace curtains show both ways. You could shift your perspective and see out through the lace to the world and all its opportunities and map your way to wealth.
The sun is streaming through my lace curtains where I sit. I’m in a good place. I seek and expect lace curtain wealth.
May 13th, 2009
My laptop is in the recovery room. My new best friend Troy at Catcom computers in Montclair, nursed her back to health - having found nearly 200 viruses. I blame the kids. Otherwise I have to admit it was me who was sloppy, lazy, careless. Kids. Definitely the kids.
So now I have to quarantine this desktop computer, and have it checked for swine flu too. Are there any cases of computers with swine flu? Any transmission of swine flu from computer to human?
Kids. they blow their nose and sneeze on your computer. What are you going to do?
May 6th, 2009
Should I work more? Should I quit and make my family waffles? It’s a mom’s dilemma. I got up early to work on a few things. And I haven’t blogged since Christmas, sorry :(. I’ve made waffles many more times than that. Well I wanted to let you know that I have a new Radio Show - a GR8Mom’s Guide (TM) to Work Life Balance. It has been a hoot to write and think about. I’m channeling Erma Bombeck - and find myself in awe of her body of work! The original mommy blogger. She had a column in 950 newspapers and once told her son - who complained that she was exaggerating about him - “Honey, I have 950 editors out there who don’t care that nothing really funny happened in our family. Of course I have to exaggerate!”
oh well, I’ll quit waffling and go make breakfast.
March 21st, 2009
Overwhelmingly we want to pull it off for less money than last year! And then, miraculously, we’d like an unforeseen thoughtful gift that was purchased a long time ago (before we all went broke) to be under the tree, with “For my Beloved Wife” scrolled in a manly hand on an unassuming gift card.
I really love Christmas. It really is an enormous amount of work - trimming the tree, entertaining, having host gifts on hand, buying, wrapping and hiding gifts galore, shopping on Black Friday and again on Cyber Monday. And yet, when my house is recently cleaned and decorated, and my kids are opening gifts, and I have an oversized Santa mug of Starbucks coffee in my hand, I’m happy to my very core. It is creative. It is generous. It is expressive of who you are, and who you know them to be.
It is precisely why we sometimes put too great a burden on one gift. It’s a wrapped proof of love and understanding that we sometimes need to get through Christmas morning whole. And what husband or gift item can live up to that? “What do you want for Christmas?” my husband asks. I don’t have a definitive answer. As much as advertisers would like us to believe otherwise, there is no retail way to say “I love you.” We say it satisfactorily by working together to get the house and meals and tree and gifts ready for this big holiday.
What I want for Christmas I’ve already secured. An awesome and enjoyable family. Gifts without too much debt. Togetherness and a good time. A home that fills me with pride. That and some cinnamon buns should do the trick.
December 10th, 2008
If you’re my age, you remember the gift craze - Soap on a Rope. Suddenly everyone was convinced that every dad, uncle, brother, boss needed Soap on a Rope. Cool men everywhere switched from stodgy bar soap to the scented man’s man soap on a rope.
Well, now you can get Hope on a Rope - strictly for women. (Not scented with aftershave.) Really! GR8Moms everywhere can switch from hand-wringing, powerless, old-fashioned hope to a new secured Hope on a Rope. Keep it close, make it tangible. Put it on your wish list.
Believing is seeing. Hope on a Rope is a great tangible gift of hope for yourself, and every mom, aunt, sister, boss you know. Hope comes from changes you can see and feel. You can change your world with coaching, and get yourself real HOPE ON A ROPE!!
This is my funny(ish) way of saying treat yourself to coaching. You’ll be amazed at how real your hopes and dreams can become. (And what better gift is there than that?)
November 13th, 2008
It’s my birthday…. so of course, I weigh myself. I’m standing on the scale and thinking how many other birthdays I’ve done this little female ritual. At 20 I was in Paris, so I couldn’t have weighed myself. I have photographic proof that I was slim. At 24 I was in NYC. I had gained and lost 50 pounds in those four years… All emotional eating… All linked to my first love happening, getting established and ending. I began smoking to help me lose weight. (Ugh. I wish I could reach back and hit the cigarette out of my depressed, deluded hand.)
At 28 I was married, and still a very reasonable and attractive weight. At 38 I had three kids and close to 100 extra pounds from my wedding weight to my waddle weight. I’m still down about fifty from my heaviest-ever weight. (Thanks to the positivity and commitment lessons of Unpregnancy.)
Here’s my point - and I do have one - I’ve lost some very BIG WEIGHT in my life, but what I’ve lost this year is BIGGER STILL.
I know longer eat emotionally. I can say that with calmness, certitude and gratitude.
As I stood on the scale this year, I had a very different point of view. Whatever I weigh is more than fine. It’s me. All of me. I’d like to be 10 pounds lighter next year and ten pounds lighter the year after that. It would simply be the clinical proof I want to show myself I can just relax into a healthier body and more attractive silhouette. Without the emotional eating. I’m free to to see a number on a scale and not feel judged, elated or sad. I’m free to eat with and for my body and deal with my emotions in other ways.
If you’re interested in how to get over emotional eating for good - stick with me. I’m going to continue talking about it. Let me know what drives you to the fridge when you’re not hungry.
September 10th, 2008
I coached my husband the other day. It was homework for my Martha Beck coaching training. He was reluctant, of course. “How is coaching different from nagging?”
I said - “any topic you want, I have no agenda…” And then I said “As your coach, I’m here to help you figure out what’s right for you. And I won’t even tell your wife. Whatever you tell Julia the coach will never get back to Julia the wife.”
“Really?” He was amused…. “Wanna fool around?” I mocked shock. “My wife doesn’t understand me” he continued in character.
It cracked me UP!
So here’s the point of this story - I coached him on a subject close to his heart. In one hour, we made more headway on that topic than we’ve made in the 20 years of our marriage. He felt helped. I felt gleeful as his coach (and secretly as his wife.)
So I’m sure now you think I’m a rotten wife, I can’t help my husband through a tough puzzle in 20 years. I’ve tried everything. I hadn’t tried “coaching.” It really is a point of view, a new approach, and a formidable asset in MOVING FORWARD.
I’m touched and moved by this experience. (He was too, but don’t tell his wife.)
August 2nd, 2008
I don’t know whose quote that is, but it’s brilliant. What you’re working passionatley on is where you are most qualified to become an advisor. My fatitude - all its confusion, shame, moral righteousness, bragging and bagging it - is my current and most passionate mess. I’m working it out and sharing it all with you. YAY.
What’s your mess? Comment here with Mess stories … we all fight the same demons.
June 4th, 2008
If you allow for days when
Mountains move you…
there will be other days when you can move mountains.
May 22nd, 2008
As I say in Motherhood to Otherhood, food can be used as emotional white-out… feeling crappy? Eat a cookie, and then you’ll either feel better or at least you’ll be distracted from the crappy feelings. No need to figure out what’s really bothering you - now you’re very busy yelling at yourself for the cookie (or ten if one didn’t do the trick). Phew that was a close call. Lucky you had emotional white-out on hand, because if not for the cookie, you might have felt bad.
But wait, eating the cookie didn’t make you happy for very long. Hey that’s not fair. (Eat another one.) Soon enough you begin beating yourself up for the cookie(s), and TA-DA mistake erased, emotion whited out - the cookies shifted what you felt crappy about! Now it’s all about the cookie.
Ugh… why can’t i just quit eating?
Say, there’s half a sandwich on your plate, but you’re getting full. You want the sandwich - oh believe me, you’re enjoying the sandwich - but you’re getting full. Can you leave it there? Say for some reason, you can’t take it with you… Can you - god forbid - waste it???!!! (There are children starving in India, you know.) It will be turned into “waste” whether as landfill or as “pants-fill. ” So can you waste it? Where is the better dump? A garbage can, or your pants?
You quit eating and feel crappy - only you know your own brand of crappy. Poor me. I hate my body. Why can’t I eat and stay thin without effort? Man, I never get to eat out, this is a special occasion. I’m not that full. I WA-A-A-NT it. Or even, After the day I’ve had, I deserve it. My friend the food understands.
So hard to sit with those urges, and push them away. It is sometimes seemingly impossible to not eat that sandwich - polish it off, throw it onto the “pants-fill” heap.
So you sit, feeling crappy. You watch your well-groomed, naturally skinny-eats-like-a-horse friend finish her sandwich and the last of your french fries. How do you get to happy? How do you use the crappy to get to happy? Feel proud of yourself for nourishing your real self, mothering yourself, and setting limits that might leave you feeling grumpy, but will serve you better throughout your day. And as your afternoon wears on, permit yourself to say (as only a mother would) See, now aren’t you glad you didn’t overeat at lunch? No one likes to feel full for hours after lunch. You gave yourself a great afternoon by skipping that second sandwich half.
Happy?
May 15th, 2008
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